shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
