I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
