I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
