she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
