Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
