I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
