well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
