i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
