life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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