I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
