I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
