I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
