My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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