Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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