Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
