Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
