If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
