I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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