You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
