Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
