dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
