HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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