I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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