soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
