So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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