i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
