I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
