So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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