I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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