Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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