finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
