I am in a vortex of obligation.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
