I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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