I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
