my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
