Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
