a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
