I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
