if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
