Sponge bath it is.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
