I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
