If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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