i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
