Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
