I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
