the new term for farting is butt boxing.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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