I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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