From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
23 People Confess The Trashiest Thing They’ve Seen In Person
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
19 Transgender People Reveal The First Sign That They Were Trans
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on