So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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