if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
