Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
