if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
