Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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