sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
