I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
